Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
