I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
