Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
