Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
