Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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