The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
