1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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