What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
