I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
