He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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