The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Randomize
