Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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