My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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