totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
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Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
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Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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