life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
