If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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