The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
