we're chasing vodka with high fives
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
