Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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