I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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