I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
