Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
