I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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