dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
