I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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