Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
