i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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