I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize