The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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