life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
