Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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