Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
