hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
