its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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