I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
