How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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