Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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