I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
