P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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