she woke up with a sticky ear
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
