The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
