I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
