So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Randomize
