Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Text me some of your sweat
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
