All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
