I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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