Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
why does every cop we meet know your name?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
