i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
