Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
