i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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