all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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