I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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