you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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