I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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