Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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