I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
